So, I'm a little late on the blogging trend, though of course up until now I've never had any interest. As of late I've realized I have a problem, so engrossed with my own inner despair, I have subconsciously been sabotaging myself, steering for the rocky shore. The conclusion that I've been self-defeating is a hard one for me to accept, while at the same time reaffirming my idea that I'm dull as a brick. So, I suppose I should start venting all my frustrations now. I'm tired, jaded, with this cushy yet despair inducing life I lead. I've never had much, yet I've always been comfortable physically, outside of my terribly weak body, however; I've never been happy, I've always had this proverbial cloud hanging over my head, this feeling of simple unhappiness. No, this isn't a sob story, I mean, why go through the effort when no one will read or care? Rather, this is me getting out this feeling of discontent: with myself, with my family, with my lack of friends, with the emptiness inside, with the world. I find flaws in everything, I can never settle for the happiness I've found, when I've found it that is, instead I set about systematically destroying it, though of course I don't realize it until the deed is done. As I sit here contemplating how best to describe this emptiness that is, in fact, not empty at all, I seem to be at a loss for words, writing never was my forte, I'm terrible at expressing my ideas. My mind is taking me to the supposition that I've always looked for something to come to me, for the happiness I seek to instead seek me. I'm lazy, it's just a fact, I was spoiled as a young child due to the separation of my mother and father, of course, I would think I've had ample time to grow out of it, instead this all encompassing lack of motivation has garnered a tighter hold on me. The only logical reason I can come up with is that I've traveled deeper into this abyss of nothingness, so much so that I feel there is no way out. Why try to look for an exit that does not exist? I suppose that here is where I leave this first post, perhaps later posts will be more than my self-exploring, I don't know, however, should someone read this, and decide they'd like to hear more of my thoughts, on whatever I deem worthy of flexing my weak writing skills for, they could follow me. I think that is what you do with blogs, haha, it doesn't matter, this is purely for my self.
